My side of the planet is now tilted more towards a giant ball of fire.

As the summer season of West Nile Virus-spreading mosquitoes and Bird Flu carrying avians kicks into high gear (that reminds me, if you don’t want the Bird Flu, STOP PLAYING WITH THEIR FECES! ), I would like to announce this summer that I will be completing a revolutionary new form of diet and exercise program. This great new program, which I have dibbed the “Stop eating Twinkies and run around, you smelly, fat cow!” Diet, involves a number of pleasant morning and afternoon bike rides and jogs while cutting back the over-all intake of calories.

Many scientists will argue that while exercise certainly is necessary of developing better health, especially those who only sit on their butt playing computer games and watching “CSI” reruns when they have free time, simply cutting back on food intake can not be done. This may be dues to a chemical imbalance on the brain, creating the feeling of hunger when you are already full.

Well, to such scientists I say stop throwing fat people a bone and tell them to get off their fat butts and make the change. Fat people are only a drag on society, asking for government handouts for their diabetic stuff and money for more food. I plan to be down to a 32” waist, have a butt that girls wanna grab, and abs that mistake me for The Man of Steel by the time summer is over. And I am actually putting that in writing right here at the end because most males would have lost interest and stopped reading back in the first paragraph.